Using sex toys in your relationship

Megan asks: how do I introduce sex toys into my relationship? My partner is concerned they’ll replace him or “ruin” me!

Do you know how many women have asked me this question over the last 8 years? Hundreds. It’s legit the most common question I get about Sex Toys.

Most objections are rooted in myths about female sexuality and the role that sex toys play (ha! pun unintended but perfect). So the first step to bringing toys into your sexy times is having the right info.

There’s nothing wrong with you, your beau, or your relationship if you need a sex toy to experience orgasm.

Most people with vulvas – at least 70% – need clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm. Unfortunately, “sex” as its most often talked about – as penis in vagina (PIV) intercourse – doesn’t hit your spot.

It’s probably not that you can’t cum. It’s probably not that your beau doesn’t know what to do. It’s probably not that you have deep underlying relationship issues.

It’s most likely nature, geometry, and a society that upholds male sexuality as the gold standard and anything that differs from it as problematic.

People who use sex toys are three times more likely to experience orgasm.

That’s a huge difference! And it’s because toys stimulate your most sensitive areas: the clitoris’ 8000+ nerve endings, g-spot, and prostate, among others.

It’s also because the sensation stimulates your nerves, particularly those of your internal clitoris, more deeply and in new ways.

No, your vibrator can’t ruin you.

What can happen? The same that happens when you don’t try new things in the bed: you get stuck in a rut. You use your toy the same way every time and suddenly you find yourself struggling to experience orgasm or that sex with your honey isn’t as fulfilling.

If you find yourself experiencing this, the solution is simple: switch up both the toys you use and how you use them. It takes time & patience, but your pleasure is worth it.

Sex toys also can’t “fix” you.

Most likely, there’s nothing wrong with you! Also, because sex toys aren’t cure-alls. You know that but it’s an appealing myth, nonetheless.

…or your relationship.

If there are deeper issues in your relationship that you hope introducing sex toys will fix, I’m sorry to tell you that won’t happen. Just like having a threesome, adopting a pet, or getting pregnant won’t. Take the time to address those issues with a sex therapist or educator

Sex toys are amazing tools that enhance your pleasure.

Specifically, they…

• make it easier for you to experience orgasm
• add newness, variety, & adventure to your sex life
• improve your circulation
• help increase your desire 
• add playfulness, fun, & experimentation
• boost your confidence
• improve your overall sexual satisfaction

You or your beau still nervous about trying sex toys? Here’s 7 ways to get onboard.

How to Use Sex Toys in Your Relationship

1) Give them information in the way they best receive it. Like loving your beau by using their love language, teach them how to use sex toys in your relationship using their learning style! Are they someone who needs facts & figures? Do your research (use this post!). Need an emotional reason – get real about your experience with pleasure & desire. Kinesthetic learners? Get yourself the toy and let them watch you use it.

2) Start small and non-phallic. No one wants to be outdone or replaced, including your beau. While you know that a piece of engineering can’t replace their love and cuddles, do yourself a favor & choose a toy that won’t trigger this anxiety.  My current favorite is the Nelly by Pretty Love Toys.. This finger vibrator is completely ergonomic, turning your beau’s hands into a vibrator. That makes it perfect for all sorts of sexy time, from steamy make outs to intercourse.

3)Try a toy that you both can enjoy. Maybe this means that you choose a toy together. Maybe you go with something that vibrates against both of you. Maybe you find something your beau loves using on you. How to use sex toys in your relationship is totally up to you – but you want it to be fun for both of you!

4) Do a little bartering. You have desires – like trying a sex toy – and so do they! Talk it out and agree to try something they want that you’re also comfortable with. Who knows what you’ll both discover?

5) Use something that integrates seamlessly into your current sexy times. That means quiet and easily fit between your bodies in all your favorite positions. Once again, it’s pretty quiet, and can go anywhere your beau’s hands can. May I suggest giving them a try during doggy style?

6) Play with it! It’s called a sex toy for a reason! Practice edging, where your partner doesn't let you climax until the say so. Or even see how many orgasms you can experience in a row. Bring it with you to the next engagement party/wedding/birthday party and see where you can get away with using it. Have fun with it.

7) Remember that your partner loves you. Your pleasure matters to them. They want to see you satisfied and this is one way to do that. Sometimes it really can be as simple as that!

Sex toys add to your pleasure & intimacy – they don’t take anything away.

Like everything new you try together, using sex toys increases that lovin’ feeling!